losing a parent Archives -

Family caregivers develop a special bond with aging parents.

Mother’s death left a big hole in my heart; I miss her terribly. Family caregivers know how the bond grows stronger as you daily meet needs of a loved one. I miss hugging her neck every morning, tucking her in at night, brushing her hair, and watching her child-like smile when she was pampered.

Several years have passed since her death and I still want to head for her room to talk. She left a big hole that none can fill, our entire household has changed. No other caregivers or help is needed; neighbors and friends from church have gone on to care for other families; it’s too, too quiet at times.

Home life can change in unexpected ways after a loss.

In our home, lively, colorful cartoons and kids’ shows have given way to old westerns and mysteries. My husband does not watch cartoons with me, but he would sit and watch them with her. It isn’t the cartoons that we miss; it’s watching her reaction to them. Mother loved the colorful characters and cheerful, lively music. We miss the laughter that permeated the house so often as we tried to help fill her long days with beautiful memories.

As I look back upon the last few years, I see at least three things that have helped us in our home deal with that empty hole. Perhaps these few tips will be helpful to you and your family if you are caring for a parent or the elderly in your home or in theirs. At the very least, may it give you food for thought.

Develop a plan for the inevitable.

#1 If you are caring for someone in your home, consider what will be done with their personal belongings. For some readers, that may seem premature, but it is one of many tasks that will have to be taken care of eventually. Having a plan makes the transition less stressful on you and your family.

Mother and I shared a walk-in closet in her large bathroom. I had planned ahead where I would send her clothing; yet it was still very difficult to take things of the hangers and put them into a box. I did not want the entire closet; I wanted my mommy and her stuff! Working through that time is a natural part of the grieving process.

A note to spouses: I know widowers and widows who have kept things just as they were in their home after their mate died. This is generally very unhealthy; we must allow time to grieve and then face reality. For some it may be a few months, for others a longer period of time, but it must be done.

Choose carefully, you cannot keep everything.

#2 Keep a memory box. Again, this was difficult. I wanted to keep all she had touched; everything that had been meaningful to her. I carefully chose a beautiful wire basket and began to sort out the very best keepsakes from her last few years: two well-chewed children’s books, a small album, photographs, a little notebook she had scribbled in; and a yellow silk rose (her favorite flower).

This basket is not a monument to her, it’s simply a group of tender memories of treasured days gone by. The pretty basket serves as a gentle reminder of the child in each of us and the Faithful Father who unconditionally supplies our every need.

Try this third one, I promise you it will work.

#3 Purchase a pretty journal or notebook for yourself. When you want to talk to your loved one, write a note. Write your honest feelings. It never ceases to amaze me how God can use our written words to cleanse our souls. No one may ever read your words, in fact, they do not need to read them. This is a private conversation between you and your departed or between you and God. If you feel you are not a writer and what you would write may not make sense, even be a little silly, try it anyway.

Life is a journey. Sometimes it’s a rough one and our emotions seem to have the upper hand. Take time to reflect on the good memories. Take time to daily love God and allow Him to love on you. The best way to honor your loved one is to be a blessing to someone else.

Portions of this article taken from My Mother My Child.

Hugs,