3 Tips: Coping After the Loss of a Parent

Posted on by

3 Tips: Coping After the Loss of a Parent

Family caregivers develop a special bond with aging parents.

Mother’s death left a big hole in my heart; I miss her terribly. Family caregivers know how the bond grows stronger as you daily meet needs of a loved one. I miss hugging her neck every morning, tucking her in at night, brushing her hair, and watching her child-like smile when she was pampered.

Several years have passed since her death and I still want to head for her room to talk.  She left a big hole that none can fill, our entire household has changed. No other caregivers or help is needed; neighbors and friends from church have gone on to care for other families; it’s too, too quiet at times.

Home life can change in unexpected ways after a loss.

In our home, lively, colorful cartoons and kids’ shows have given way to old westerns and mysteries. My husband does not watch cartoons with me, but he would sit and watch them with her. It isn’t the cartoons that we miss; it’s watching her reaction to them. Mother loved the colorful characters and cheerful, lively music.  We miss the laughter that permeated the house so often as we tried to help fill her long days with beautiful memories.

As I look back upon the last few years, I see at least three things that have helped us in our home deal with that empty hole. Perhaps these few tips will be helpful to you and your family if you are caring for a parent or the elderly in your home or in theirs. At the very least, may it give you food for thought.

Develop a plan for the inevitable.

#1 If you are caring for someone in your home, consider what will be done with their personal belongings. For some readers, that may seem premature, but it is one of many tasks that will have to be taken care of eventually. Having a plan makes the transition less stressful on you and your family.

Mother and I shared a walk-in closet in her large bathroom. I had planned ahead where I would send her clothing; yet it was still very difficult to take things of the hangers and put them into a box. I did not want the entire closet; I wanted my mommy and her stuff! Working through that time is a natural part of the grieving process.

A note to spouses: I know widowers and widows who have kept things just as they were in their home after their mate died. This is generally very unhealthy; we must allow time to grieve and then face reality. For some it may be a few months, for others a longer period of time, but it must be done.

Choose carefully, you cannot keep everything.

#2 Keep a memory box. Again, this was difficult. I wanted to keep all she had touched; everything that had been meaningful to her. I carefully chose a beautiful wire basket and began to sort out the very best keepsakes from her last few years: two well-chewed children’s books, a small album, photographs, a little notebook she had scribbled in; and a yellow silk rose (her favorite flower).

This basket is not a monument to her, it’s simply a group of tender memories of treasured days gone by. The pretty basket serves as a gentle reminder of the child in each of us and the Faithful Father who unconditionally supplies our every need.

Try this third one, I promise you it will work.

#3 Purchase a pretty journal or notebook for yourself. When you want to talk to your loved one, write a note. Write your honest feelings. It never ceases to amaze me how God can use our written words to cleanse our souls. No one may ever read your words, in fact, they do not need to read them. This is a private conversation between you and your departed or between you and God. If you feel you are not a writer and what you would write may not make sense, even be a little silly, try it anyway.

Life is a journey. Sometimes it’s a rough one and our emotions seem to have the upper hand. Take time to reflect on the good memories. Take time to daily love God and allow Him to love on you. The best way to honor your loved one is to be a blessing to someone else.

Portions of this article taken from My Mother My Child.

Hugs,

My Mother My Child now available as an e-book at Amazon.com and major bookstores. Check out the new book trailer on the right of this page.

Tips on Offering Hope Caregiver to Caregiver

Posted on by

Tips on Offering Hope Caregiver to Caregiver

Are you an exhausted mom, family caregiver, health care provider?

“Because the Lord is my Shepherd, I have everything I need! He lets me rest in the meadow grass and leads me beside the quiet streams. He gives me new strength. He  helps me do what honors him the most.” (Psalm 23:1-3 TLB)

Does it seem you cannot get your own work done? Do you know someone in the same boat? Have you given any thought to the other person’s situation and how you can be of help and encouragement to them?

Now, I just re-read the above paragraph; I know how impossible it sounds. I also know from personal experience, the more we learn to reach out to others, the easier our own work becomes. We please the Lord when we take our eyes off our own situations and seek to help others.

Is there someone who could use a little encouragement? As you consider their needs, recall what others have done for you.

1. Do they like to write? Drop a pretty journal in the mail to them (add extra pencils).
2. Get a few extra fresh foods from the local market and drop them by on your way home.
3. Send a beautiful bouquet of flowers (to the caregiver); it will give everyone in the household a lift.
4. As you fix meals, make an extra dish to send or bake a pan of cookies or brownies. If you can’t do that, consider having a pizza delivered.
5. If they could use financial help and you are able, consider hiring someone to sit with the loved one so the caregiver could take a day away.
6. If time permits, offer to write cards or thank you notes for them. Be sure to bring stamps. Offer to find addresses.

Our faithful prayer is the most important gift we can give. Our Father in Heaven knows our needs and He hears and answers our prayers. And, as you determine to reach out, He will multiply your time and your energy.

For more great tips sign up for my monthly newsletter and receive “Eight Basic Tips for Caregivers” free.

hugs,

Portions of this article taken from my book, MY MOTHER MY CHILD. The latest edition contains a useful discussion guide suitable for individual or group study.

P.S. If you’ve enjoyed this blog, please sign up for my newsletter at the top right hand corner of this page.

 

Overwhelmed Caregiver: When Spring isn’t so Grand

Posted on by

Overwhelmed Caregiver: When Spring isn't so GrandSpring is one of my favorite seasons, a time of blessing.  I’ve spent hours watching the birds scurry around to build nests and hunt worms. The world seems to awaken overnight; animals attack every new blade of tender grass as we would a plate of chocolates. It’s a happy time, a great reminder of God’s everlasting care for His creation.

Even the splendor of spring can’t hide our pain!

I recall a particular spring day when my thoughts were not so favorable:
“Little Robin with your head held so high, do you know my heart is breaking? You strut proudly and sing … chirping along, grabbing a bug to eat as you go. I’m almost mad at you for being so happy! Doesn’t the whole world need to stop and feel my pain … Some would say you’re here to cheer me up. Well, sorry little birdie, it’s not working!”

Feeling overwhelmed as a caregiver, mother, friend, is inevitable.

I had been watching Mother lay in a hospital bed for days, wondering each day if it would be her last breath. Her window opened to beautiful, flower laden lawns filled with cheerful little robins. My feelings stormed inside; I wanted to chase the birds away, to cry, to scream, to do something to let the world know my heart was breaking inside. Making it doubly hard was memories of Mother and I often rejoicing together at God’s creation and enjoying the beautiful robins at play.

There is help and there is hope.

There are times when we all feel overwhelmed with circumstances around us. I deal with some of those thoughts in My Mother My Child  in the chapter called “Going Home”. It was difficult to live through; hard to write, but important to share.

One of the greatest helps I have found is simply a listening ear. I hope you have someone you trust to share your feelings with. When I cared for Mother, I often felt so alone. I did not realize so much of what was happening with her was a natural part of aging, and yes, of dying. If you care for anyone at all, find some support; you need it and so do those in your care.

Psalm 40:1 says it best: “I waited patiently for God to help me; then he listened and heard my cry.”

Hugs,

My Mother My Child will make a thoughtful gift book for all ages. I am grateful for  testimonies from young and older who have been helped and encouraged.