How to Handle Feelings of Guilt when Caring for Elderly

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Feelings of GuiltWhen caring for elderly, or facing family situations, do you feel guilty?

When caring for the elderly, there are times we feel inadequate to meet mounting needs and a feeling of guilt sets in. If not handled properly, this feeling will gnaw at us until it finds expression—usually in harsh words, anger or silence. Is this feeling normal? What should we do about it?

My elderly mother deserved the best of care and I was determined she would have it. At the time, I had health and energy to care for her physical needs. I had friends who helped on occasion so I could rest. I had the mental ability and experience to handle her financial needs and record keeping.   

We can never fix every problem; we must accept natural changes.

I could not, however, fix her feelings of losing her freedoms, her lack of mobility, or her fears concerning the future. I was not prepared to watch her deteriorate while in my constant care; I felt guilty that I could not do more, and I felt so alone.

Perhaps what I learned on my journey will be helpful in whatever situation you may be facing today.

1 Recognize your feelings are normal. 

The guilt will continue to pile up as long as you are afraid to be honest with others about how things are going for you. We learn to express our love in doing for others; when we feel our “doing” is not enough, we will naturally feel guilty for not having met more needs.

2 Realize you are not the only one with that feeling of guilt.

It helped me greatly to read others’ accounts of how they dealt daily with situations not unlike my own. One of the greatest websites I know to read others’ stories and get perspective is www.CareGivers.com.

3 Keep a journal for a week or two.

Be sure to jot down your feelings and what you were doing at the time you began to feel guilty. You will probably find that you are doing all that you can for your loved one with the time and resources available to you.

4. Deal with problems as they occur.

Are you personally doing all you know how to do? Is there a better solution to what is bothering you? Do you need more help in some area? Do you need to learn how to do some things better? Identify the specific problem, fix it, and move on.

5. Realize you are mere human; not super-woman.

If you do not find any specific area to fix (see question #4), then the underlying cause of your frequent feelings of guilt may simply be lack of rest and sleep. Often those feelings occur when we become overly tired and burnt out. You are only human, not super-woman. Allow yourself time to rest, time to cry, time to get in touch with reality.

6. Forgive yourself.

Not all guilty feelings are superficial; we do make mistakes. I did not always do things the best way for Mother or for the rest of the household. Forgiving ourselves is difficult, but necessary for freedom from guilt.

Above all, spend time with the One who gives us rest and peace and calms our storms.

Jesus said in Matthew 11:28, “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

Hugs,

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Somewhere on this Desk is a Compelling Article

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somewhere on this deskSomewhere on this desk is a compelling article I wrote specifically for your encouragement. It is filled with helps and hope for your daily tasks. Surely it will appear before another month passes.

Somewhere on this desk is also a calendar that I think should be turned to the last week of March or first of April. Some say, “time passes more quickly as you get older”. I will admit, in my world, I could almost agree to that statement! What happened to the last two weeks of April? By the time you read this it will be the second week of May! Yikes!

In the meantime, I want you to know that I do pray for you. I pray you are finding comfort and peace in your life; that, with me, you are sorting your priorities and making time for yourself.

My brother in Joplin had surgery this week (only sibling-and he and I are the older generation in our family). We are going down for a few days, my husband has the car loaded already! And, of course, he is “patiently waiting” for me to wind down and get in the car!!

I will be speaking in Diamond, MO, Saturday on “Finding Comfort in Christ” and will be sharing some of that soon with you. The Lord has helped me put it together the past few weeks by giving me daily (if not hourly) reasons to find comfort in Him. He is faithful!

It seems each week there is another death in our group of friends; most my age or younger. With that in mind I want to help you in the coming months be prepared for all of life’s issues. We all need to be sure we have done all we can to prepare our families.

Most of all I want to be an encouragement to you. I appreciate your comments, e-mails, and your prayers as we work together to care for others.

Much love and hugs … watch for that next article!

Finding Comfort as a Weary Caregiver and Homemaker

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finding comfort as a weary caregiver and homemakerHow I found hope and comfort as a weary caregiver.

Caregiving can be lonely, very demanding and seemingly unappreciated by others including the one getting care.

Oftentimes, when we are in the midst of a situation, we feel we are the only one going through it. We feel isolated, rejected, and forgotten by all. We lose sight of what help we have, however small it may be. We turn our thoughts inward instead of upward and easily lose focus

How do we cope with all the daily changes?

For me, changes in medications, behavior, and daily patterns increased the stress. I became physically, emotionally, and mentally tired. I cried out with the Psalmist:  “Lord how long will you continually forget me? How long will You hide Your face from me?” Psalm 13:1

Total responsibility caring for someone day in and day out, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, is overwhelming . At times, I seriously wanted to walk away; let someone else take over for awhile. More than being physically exhausted; I was tired of making major decisions by myself. I felt there was no one else to do the job and no way out for me.

Where to turn when we all resources fail.

My calendar once filled with exciting adventures, shopping or visiting family had long since been closed up and put away. My usual stress management techniques (shower, exercise, music, or step out for a breath of fresh air) were of no avail.

It was on one of those days when I turned to the Psalms for comfort and relief. Psalm 13 seemed to speak directly to my heart. “Consider and hear me, O Lord, my God … I have trusted in your mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.” From verses 3-5.

Two things became very clear as I read and meditated upon these Scriptures.

#1 God had not forsaken me; He knew what I was going through, and

#2 I was not the only one who had this struggle. From the beginning of time and into the present, man has yearned for peace and rest for a weary soul and body.

Psalm 13 continues by reminding us the Lord does hear and answer our prayers; we can trust his mercy. Verse 6 closes with “I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.”

When your way gets rough, and hope is not in sight, consider these words taken from Proverbs chapter 3. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and HE WILL DIRECT your paths.”

How often I laid my head upon the pillow and found comfort in His arms.

I’m grateful for all those in my life who lifted me up in prayer when I could not go on. Be assured my prayers are with you as well. God hears and answers our prayers. I look forward to hearing from you.

Hugs,

To read my story and find more in encouragement for your journey, check out MY MOTHER MY CHILD.